February 15, 2011

Danny Glover

You know him, the black bloke in the Lethal Weapon films who played alongside the anti Semitic drunk one. Well, his catch phrase was always "I'm too old for this shit" and yesterday I had my Danny Glover moment.

Nicky and I were driving in Leominster when two yobs ran out in front of us carrying large bouquets of flowers. Their speed, an alarm and the shop assistant in hot pursuit were all indications that they had not fulfilled the standard prerequisite purchasing procedure.

They legged it down an alley so we had a drive around the other side and saw them disappear into some derelict buildings. By now I had reverted to my old instincts and after first checking they had not come around the other side, went to see if I could find them. I did and it was then that I realised I had made something of a schoolboy error. I didn't have a clue as to the name of the street or how to describe my location to someone sat in front of a computer screen in Birmingham. Whoops!

I bluffed it out and, when they reaised I wasn't going to leave them alone, one legged it whilst the other tried to vault a wall. Well, he was easy to grab but the momentum of him coming off the wall at a rate of knots was enough to make me tumble. I was then running like a fat lunatic after two chavs. Nicky had blocked their exit and gamely grabbed the tallest - exchanged a few pleasantries - but could not stop him from getting away. Seeing dearly beloved in the clutches of another man - on Valentines day - I increased my wobbly speed but before I could get there I fell ass over tit in the most spectacular way. They both escaped.

Police arrived, we found the shop where the theft had occurred and were greeted with the underwhelming response of "Oh, I never fawt we'd get them back". They even looked a little disappointed that I had bled on the ribbons.

One of the baddies gave himself up at the local nick and will have a 'Community Resolution' which basically means that he will have to apologise to the shop keeper - big bloody deal. Whatever happened to the stocks I say.

So here I am this morning, I've lost skin and gained bruises to my hands, knees and side and last evening my left elbow was the size of a cricket ball! Was it worth it? Yes. Little shits that commit what are deemed 'petty' crimes should be hammered as, in my opinion, the little crimes that go unpunished are the ones that effect society the most. Would I do it again? In a heart beat but and I really mean BUT, next time I'll stand back and let the current police officers do the difficult bits because I really am way, way too old for this shit.


  1. As a wise man once said.............."Wear you scars with pride" ;-0.

  2. I think you should have just sent Nicky after them.

    Your dead right though, the scum of this land need a good thrashing.

  3. Thanks chaps. Just got back from a fishing trip and I've got aches in places I didn't know I had but hey, they're battle scars and wot Monty aid :-)